It struck me tonight, in my random meanderings
as I lay waiting for the wee one to drift off after story time, just
how magnified our shortcomings are when the little ones come along. Because we want to model to our
children how to view the world, or handle certain situations, or come to view
as normal behavior of the opposite sex, when we fall short of these ideals we
have for ourselves and for them, it’s so embarrassingly, glaringly obvious.
I have a tendency to be pretty socially awkward, many times on the verge of anxiety, because I have a real tendency to say the most randomly awkward things without thinking them through, or to not say anything for entire conversations…I also have an overly analytical thought process that tends to take things very personally…and I have a hard time letting old situations go to make room for new opportunities and growth…ah, the list could go on…
So when I think of the things that I want to model for wee
Finnegan: courage in the face of new social situations while still listening to
his intuition....the practice of self love and acceptance and forgiveness (and with my overly
analytical inner critic this is a CONSTANT PRACTICE.) and facing those scary
situations, well every situation really, with humor and compassion, and without
taking things personally….seeing the best in everyone, being
present to what is going on in that moment…
I can see these things I want for Finn as direct opposites
of what I perceive as my shortcomings.
Many things I’m not worried about, I’ve got those down: working hard for
goals that you want to attain, setting a plan of action for adventures and
going after them passionately…when I know there’s something I want to do or
achieve, I’m a go getter. It’s the
small details that hang me up, and that become mountains under that
microscope. Within the microcosm of parenthood, they become the big things, the important things, because they are the every day things...But what else they do
is provide tremendous opportunity for a constant practice on who I want to be,
because who I want to be is what I want to model to my kid. And that is something that I’m pretty
thankful for, because it was really easy to skate by before parenthood hit me…it’s
exhausting, and humbling, but it’s really why having kiddos makes you a better person.
