Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Microcosm of Parenthood...


It struck me tonight, in my random meanderings as I lay waiting for the wee one to drift off after story time, just how magnified our shortcomings are when the little ones come along.  Because we want to model to our children how to view the world, or handle certain situations, or come to view as normal behavior of the opposite sex, when we fall short of these ideals we have for ourselves and for them, it’s so embarrassingly, glaringly obvious.  


I have a tendency to be pretty socially awkward, many times on the verge of anxiety, because I have a real tendency to say the most randomly awkward things without thinking them through, or to not say anything for entire conversations…I also have an overly analytical thought process that tends to take things very personally…and I have a hard time letting old situations go to make room for new opportunities and growth…ah, the list could go on…

So when I think of the things that I want to model for wee Finnegan: courage in the face of new social situations while still listening to his intuition....the practice of self love and acceptance and forgiveness (and with my overly analytical inner critic this is a CONSTANT PRACTICE.) and facing those scary situations, well every situation really, with humor and compassion, and without taking things personally….seeing the best in everyone, being present to what is going on in that moment…

I can see these things I want for Finn as direct opposites of what I perceive as my shortcomings.  Many things I’m not worried about, I’ve got those down: working hard for goals that you want to attain, setting a plan of action for adventures and going after them passionately…when I know there’s something I want to do or achieve, I’m a go getter.  It’s the small details that hang me up, and that become mountains under that microscope.  Within the microcosm of parenthood, they become the big things, the important things, because they are the every day things...But what else they do is provide tremendous opportunity for a constant practice on who I want to be, because who I want to be is what I want to model to my kid.  And that is something that I’m pretty thankful for, because it was really easy to skate by before parenthood hit me…it’s exhausting, and humbling, but it’s really why having kiddos makes you a better person.